"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." (Meg Cabot, Franklin D. Roosevelt, I'm not really sure who said it exactly)
~~~~~
What is it that makes someone brave? Is it an inherent ability to withstand adversity with grace? Is it something we build with time? Or can it even just be pushing through despite our fear?
Sometimes a voice whispers to me that I don't deserve this surgery. That I don't deserve to live a normal life without pain, because there are others who have it worse. Then I remember what the last four years have been like (or even the last 16, to be honest). The things I've gone through, the things my mom has gone through with me. After dealing with so many doctors and tests and living the life of an invalid since 2015, I've come to realize that a lot of who we are is who we tell ourselves we are. Let me rephrase that... If you tell yourself you are brave, then you are. I know from experience it's hard to believe in the power of thought. And I'm not saying you shouldn't feel negative emotions; there is always a time and place for sadness or anger. But never tell yourself you can't do something, because you can.
Can I believe I'm having brain surgery in a week? Not really. I'm a biologist myself and yet it feels unreal. But I believe this is truly the only route for me to go. I have seen the success stories on the internet and I'm ready to add my name to their ranks. Recovery, well, that's a fog of mystery I have no power over. I will just have to trust God to get me through it.
At this point I don't know what I'm writing anymore. My mind is racing with everything I could or should say, so I will just end it here. I plan to post again the day before my operation. Thank you to those who take the time to read my posts and I hope it won't be too long before I'm back on the internet again.
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
3 Weeks Pre-op
Well, I'm now three weeks away from surgery. I don't have a lot of answers as far as official pre/post instructions, but I have read quite a bit online about what to expect. Recovery sounds like it can be really rough and honestly I know it's going to be quite a journey to becoming "normal" again; but then, my life now is far from normal.
For those who don't know, pineal cyst surgery is somewhat "controversial" because neurologists haven't yet been able to explain why the pineal cyst would cause pain. However, for those who have the surgery done, 90% of people with terrible symptoms have their symptoms resolved afterwards. The other 10% see a reduction in their symptoms. Personally I think those are great odds. There are many success stories online that really give me hope as I take this huge step.
If you're interested in watching a video by a neurosurgeon who does the surgery, here is a good link:
http://musc.bcst.md/videos/resection-of-pineocytomas-offers-symptom-relief
Dr. Patel is one of the few doctors around the world who believes pineal cysts CAN cause bad symptoms and performs this surgery to help people regain their lives. There is also a doctor in Houston who does about 50 of these a year. The surgeon who will be operating on me is well-known even outside the US and has had people come to him from as far as Canada, maybe even farther.
In the past few years I had doctors tell me it was basically time to give up, to accept this as the rest of my life. One doctor, as I was sitting in his office in tears because my pain was so bad, told me I needed counseling. (Which I subsequently did, by the way, to cover all my bases.) It's unbelievable how arrogant and uncompassionate some doctors are. But I am so grateful to have found just one who can give me hope and who treated me with respect and kindness.
Next week I have pre-op testing. In the coming weeks I will try to post a few more times, and then once the surgery comes around, I will ask my mom to post for me. I will be off screens for 1-2 weeks at least. Thanks to those who take the time to read and I hope the video answers some questions, if you had any.
For those who don't know, pineal cyst surgery is somewhat "controversial" because neurologists haven't yet been able to explain why the pineal cyst would cause pain. However, for those who have the surgery done, 90% of people with terrible symptoms have their symptoms resolved afterwards. The other 10% see a reduction in their symptoms. Personally I think those are great odds. There are many success stories online that really give me hope as I take this huge step.
If you're interested in watching a video by a neurosurgeon who does the surgery, here is a good link:
http://musc.bcst.md/videos/resection-of-pineocytomas-offers-symptom-relief
Dr. Patel is one of the few doctors around the world who believes pineal cysts CAN cause bad symptoms and performs this surgery to help people regain their lives. There is also a doctor in Houston who does about 50 of these a year. The surgeon who will be operating on me is well-known even outside the US and has had people come to him from as far as Canada, maybe even farther.
In the past few years I had doctors tell me it was basically time to give up, to accept this as the rest of my life. One doctor, as I was sitting in his office in tears because my pain was so bad, told me I needed counseling. (Which I subsequently did, by the way, to cover all my bases.) It's unbelievable how arrogant and uncompassionate some doctors are. But I am so grateful to have found just one who can give me hope and who treated me with respect and kindness.
Next week I have pre-op testing. In the coming weeks I will try to post a few more times, and then once the surgery comes around, I will ask my mom to post for me. I will be off screens for 1-2 weeks at least. Thanks to those who take the time to read and I hope the video answers some questions, if you had any.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)