One Week Before Surgery

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." (Meg Cabot, Franklin D. Roosevelt, I'm not really sure who said it exactly)

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What is it that makes someone brave? Is it an inherent ability to withstand adversity with grace? Is it something we build with time? Or can it even just be pushing through despite our fear?

Sometimes a voice whispers to me that I don't deserve this surgery. That I don't deserve to live a normal life without pain, because there are others who have it worse. Then I remember what the last four years have been like (or even the last 16, to be honest). The things I've gone through, the things my mom has gone through with me. After dealing with so many doctors and tests and living the life of an invalid since 2015, I've come to realize that a lot of who we are is who we tell ourselves we are. Let me rephrase that... If you tell yourself you are brave, then you are. I know from experience it's hard to believe in the power of thought. And I'm not saying you shouldn't feel negative emotions; there is always a time and place for sadness or anger. But never tell yourself you can't do something, because you can.

Can I believe I'm having brain surgery in a week? Not really. I'm a biologist myself and yet it feels unreal. But I believe this is truly the only route for me to go. I have seen the success stories on the internet and I'm ready to add my name to their ranks. Recovery, well, that's a fog of mystery I have no power over. I will just have to trust God to get me through it.

At this point I don't know what I'm writing anymore. My mind is racing with everything I could or should say, so I will just end it here. I plan to post again the day before my operation. Thank you to those who take the time to read my posts and I hope it won't be too long before I'm back on the internet again.